This story is a little unusual, but you've probably had stuff like this happen to you too.  You may find some minor parts of it a little difficult to believe but, as sure as there is life on Mars, I'm telling you that this really happened.

It all started when a very good friend of mine (Ken made me promise not to use his name in this story) was bragging about his new computer peripheral: The Replicator.  He was going on and on about how he could replicate tamales and beer.  Then he goes on about how, since he had downloaded the temperature plug modules, he was now enjoying ice cold beer with hot tamales!  Well, I had listened to about all of this I could stand (and I was getting pretty hungry for tamales too).  So I shopped around and found a mail order place that was selling the new Replicator version 3.0, which I understood could now produce imported dark ale.

When it arrived, I was in such a hurry to consume one of those German amber bocks that I immediately installed it.  Just like Ken had mentioned, there were some messages about needing 32 MB of RAM for proper use.  I just ignored those messages thinking "Well, it might be a little slow with virtual disk swapping" but...

OK, you're probably thinking this is pretty hard to believe.  Why wouldn't I have 32 MB?  Also, who do you know that has this problem with their replicator?  And you would think that once the thing was powered off, the kinetic energy would release its hold and this would all be over.  Yeah, it would probably work that way for anybody else, but I had earlier cross-wired my SoundBlaster card directly to the line inputs of my 5,000 watt power amp (for realistic Quake sounds, of course).  When I accidentally cleared the microphone mute button, the feedback pulled so many amps that it fused all the power switches all the way back to the main house breaker!  Sounded pretty cool though... (Editor's note: Just like that Hendrix concert we went to back in 1969 huh!)

But I did manage to break the circuit, and immediately the computer released its hold on me.  (Editor's Note: He is in denial.  The computer still has him for the better part of every day; he just doesn't realize it.)  Now, I know that you may be having a little trouble believing some of this story (I swear it's true!).  Hopefully though, it has made an impression, and you will always make sure that you meet those minimum system requirements before installing and running any new software program.

Thanks, John, for allowing us to use this story! 

Q:  How does the Replicator work?

A:  Replicator 5.0 uses top-secret U.S. military technology licensed from the Chinese.

Q:  How much does the retail version of Replicator cost?

A:  If you have to ask this question, then you can't afford it.

Q:  How long can I use the 21-day free trial version?

A:  Err... uhhh... 21 days.

Q:  Why can't I get my Slushee?

A:  If you have difficulties getting the Replicator to function, please follow the steps below:
      1.  Make sure you have the latest sound and video drivers for your hardware.
      2.  Download and install the latest version of DirectX, even if you already have it.
      3.  Upgrade your internet connection to something faster than you have now.
      4.  Format your hard drive, re-install Windows, and try again.

The following are confirmed bugs that will be squished in version 5.1:

1.  Mac users sometimes receive food items in funny neon colors.

2.  Turkeys over 10 lbs. and whole hams can become jammed in CD-ROM tray.

3.  Coffee ordered with a donut comes in a cup with a large round hole in the bottom.

4.  Certain users get this far and STILL haven't figured out that the Replicator is a joke.
    (Hmm... we may not be able to fix this one.)